.
A terrible past makes for a terrible person. It becomes even more terrible when people start holding it against me. Sorry, I tend to get very defensive when all the fingers are pointing at me. Does it give you hints about my upbringing? I fucking hope not. I can't bear allegations for something I grew out of and took my lesson from. I can't magically know what you want me to do unless you clearly tell me. And honestly considering how slow I get at times, you might even need to say it twice. I don't want unconditional love, nor do I want to love unconditionally. Despite of how cool and laidback people think I am, I think I'm very difficult to love. No one has ever really said this to me but how my boyfriends of different timelines started acting after a certain point, makes me believe that I might not be entirely wrong about it. I never took my chance, or time to reflect on it. I am what I am because I'm shaped by all the people over the time of my little life. My fingers start shaking and I'm left trembling and my heart goes astray because I find myself uncapable to love to my full potential. I put my phone's screen down so I don't have to face people on certain days. I don't hate people. I think its fairly fun to hangout with friends and meet new folks, it's the small talks that bug me mostly. I don't think I've been traumatised by anyone in my life, but let me admit it's very cool to romanticize your sadness.
And so after a while of hitchiking through my feels, I tread upon these shallow words, trying to make sense of something. Nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense at all. I think I'll jump, or choke. or slit, or altogether.