The End
A few results and marks came in today and I am afraid I might barely be making through this semester. It was treachreous, this semester. A few internship rejections and a whole lot of weird grades made me feel a lot of things at the same time. I wanna drown myself in alcohol to numb some parts of it but it never does me any good in the long run. So, now I am sitting on my system after almost 5 months trying to channel the sadness into words on this dead blog channel. At times, I wonder what could've led me here. Honestly, I was never much of a prodigy to begin with but I believe I did fairly well with myself. Ever since some things fell out of place, it seems I've lost the charm. I will never forgive the people who had a part in me becoming this cheap version of myself. An apparition of my younger self passes in front of my eyes and she's crying. I do not like it.
Lately I find myself blaming all the things that have gone wrong on things that seem to have no connection with them. "Oh I got bad marks in this test. Must be because I ate chicken on Tuesday and I wasn't supposed to" or "I got rejected in this interview, must be because I had smoked that night and if I hadn't I'd make it through". It is terribly convenient because I as a whole am almost never at fault. Then after recognizing this pattern, I started doing everything right. I did not eat chicken on Tuesday, I did not cut my hair on Thursday, I did not wash my hair on Saturday, and I did not cross the road after I had sneezed. I saw absouletly no difference in the immediate results that followed. Perhaps, I can not fool myself anymore.
I want to cry my eyes out but I rarely get any privacy in my house. I have been manifesting to spend the winters down south for sometime now but no opportunity seems to come my way for the time being. I met a family friend today and told him how bad things have been for the past few months. He said to me with utmost conviction, "When one thing doesn't go your way then destiny has planned something bigger and better for you". I really want to believe it but I can not find myself in the position to deserve anything better. Sometimes, I really want to end it all and just erase myself but faces of people who claim to love me flashes in front of my eyes and I simply can not do this to them.
I regret a lot, there's also a lot I would not want to change. Every choice in the smoke has led me here and I can not complaint. All of this is me and only I can make it better for myself.